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[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ] longer than their children. "Have you told your dad?" she finally asked. "No, and I don't want you to either. He doesn't need to know yet." Oh, Joey, she thought, he has to prepare himself too. And then she realized he would probably have ample time. Joe held himself stiffly, his head high, as if fighting his own demons. She nodded, not trusting her voice, thinking, no wonder we don't want our sons to be gay. "Mom, it's not the end of the world." He put an arm around her shoulders and hugged. A tiny sob escaped her, followed by another. Joe wrapped her up tight. The sounds of their crying mingled with the nearby frogs. Emily sat through dinner with Joe and Shelley, both subdued, knowing something was terribly wrong. "I'll tell you later," Shelley said when Joe went out for a walk with Hugo. Now they were in bed, whispering in the dark, while Joe lay in the other room. "He's positive?" she asked just to make sure she'd heard Shelley right. A coldness crept through her. "Yes." Shelley's voice cracked. She began to cry, choking as she tried to swallow the noise. "Hey, it's okay." The sudden gust of emotion rattled her. She gathered Shelley up and rocked her. "I'm so sorry." "I can't stop c-c-crying." "It's okay. Cry." She kissed Shelley's hair and cheeks, tasting the salt. Using the sheet, she wiped away the tears as they fell. "But you know, he may be fine for years." Shelley sniffed and took a deep, shuddering breath. "Do you think I should encourage him to finish his degree?" "I don't know. What is he going to do here? It's pretty boring in the winter." "I didn't ask him. Somehow nothing else seemed important." "I suppose not," she said, thinking about what it would be like here year-round for Joe. "Well, I imagine he needs to hole up somewhere right now. Maybe he could write his thesis here. Is he through with classes?" "I have no idea. It must seem pretty pointless." She was thinking you never know when you're going to be struck down. It could happen anytime, to any of them. But it wasn't the same, she knew. Being HIV positive was like being told you had inoperable cancer. Worrisome thoughts churned around her head. Was Todd guilty of infecting Joe? She had introduced them, encouraged them. Should Roger be told? How could they possibly do that without disseminating the information? That would make them popular here. The acts of vandalism committed against the resort were minor compared to what might follow. She would have to call Todd. At work Monday Emily left a message with Todd's receptionist for him to phone her at work, not at home. She tried to concentrate on business but found herself doodling on sheets of paper. Over the lunch hour she walked to the antique shop. Spring was in the air; newly green grass was sprouting and leaves uncurling; birds were singing. The store was closed, but Bill was arranging the antiques he'd bought while away. She pounded on the locked door. "Hey, girlfriend, what's up?" He let her in, a dust rag in his hand. "How's Shelley doing? I'm going to see her today." "The cabin isn't the worst thing by far," she said, closing and locking the door behind her. "What?" He paled as she spoke and sat with a thump on the nearest chair. "Christ! What a fucking mess. Poor Joe." "Poor Shelley," she said. "She's so sad, almost defeated." "I'll go out there right now," he said. "First I'll call Ted." She looked down at him sitting in the old morris chair and was so glad he was part of their lives. "I need some advice. I've got a call into Todd, but what about Roger?" "Like dominoes, isn't it? First you need to find out if Todd is positive. Joe didn't see Roger after Todd, did he?" "Is this our business?" "I think so," he said with a sigh. "I'll talk to Joe." When she returned to the bank, there was a message from Todd. She closed her door and punched in his number. Was she jumping the gun? But he was her good friend, and she was already implicated. "Todd, how are you?" "I didn't know, Em. Honest." She swiveled her chair and stared unseeing at the parking lot. "I believe you. I'm sorry, Todd." Me too, he said. Joe stopped by last week." "Did he have anything to do with Roger after you?" "Ask him." There was a pause. "You could be opening a can of worms, you know. There's life after being found positive, often years of it." It occurred to her that maybe Joe had given the virus to Todd. They'd never know, and in the end, did it matter? "Em, I've got a reservation there this summer. I'll see you then?" It came out as a question. "Okay, Todd. Take care of yourself." Shelley felt flattened by the events of the past week. When she looked at Joe, she fought off tears. The cabin became a diversion for her, something to distract her from Joe's news. Early afternoon Bill drove in. She and Hugo greeted him. Joe had left before noon without saying where he was going. He gave her a hug. "I'm sorry, Shell." Burying her face in his bony shoulder, she cried. When she could talk, she said, "I feel like I've offended God." "I didn't know you believed in a god." "You think it's all chance?" she asked. He wiped her face dry, then walked with her toward the beach. "I haven't a clue. I can't believe any god would orchestrate something like AIDS. But Joe doesn't have AIDS. He's positive." He glanced toward cabin eight. "I know. I have to get a grip on myself and stop crying all the time." Her head and eyes ached. She followed his gaze and sighed. "I don't know if I want them to nail Fred or not." "If he's guilty, why not?" She sniffed at the soft breeze. It was April at its best, burgeoning with the promise of renewed life, but the sterility of winter was in her heart. "We're all to blame." She walked toward the metal chair and the molded plastic one next to it. He followed her. "For what?" "Whatever we do affects someone." "And what did you do to Fred?" "I took what he thought should be his," she said. "Come on, Shell. It was never his." "Anyway, we don't know if he did this or cut the trees or took the snowmobile." "Ten to one he did," he said. "We'll fix the cabin as soon as possible." She smiled. "You and Ted are good friends." "You'll have to feed us and provide us with something to drink." He touched her hand. "I've got to stop this," she said, breaking into sobs. "You will." They sat quietly in the sun, Hugo stretched out at their feet, listening to the frogs and the spring peepers, watching the lake move and glisten. If not peace, she experienced the certainty of knowing that life continued around her. At dinner that night they regrouped. Bill had spent the remainder of the day with Shelley. Ted came over after work, arriving at the same time as Emily. Joe told them he had his job back at the gas company starting the end of May. Until then he would help ready the resort for summer. As he had promised, Bill talked to Joe. There was no need to tell Roger anything, Joe assured him. "Thank God," Emily said, when Bill told her. "Imagine if that leaked out in town." Matthew came out on Sunday at the end of April to turn on the water to the other cabins, putting the plugs back in the lines, filling the small water heaters and the toilet tanks, getting the air out of the plumbing. He brought her mother with him. Shelley asked them to stay for supper. Matthew would accept no money. She was glad now that her mother had Matthew. It meant that she needn't worry about her being lonely. She had read somewhere that widows who had enjoyed a good marriage remarried. Not that her mother had mentioned marrying Matthew, but she figured that was coming next. During a meal of hamburgers on the grill, baked beans, and potato chips, which they all ate outside in the cooling evening, Shelley apologized. "We'll have you over when it's not so hectic around here. I'll fix a real meal for you." [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ] |