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[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ] spoken louder than any words could. Jillian probably thought she was some wack job or at least someone with a lot of emotional baggage. Too much for a woman in Jillian s situation to want to deal with right now. At home, Logan fixed herself a vodka and orange juice and sat in the dark until she was too tired to even sit up straight. In less than twenty-four hours she had to be back at work for another twelve-hour shift. She could think later. When Lisa tracked her down at work the next evening, Logan could tell immediately that she had bad news. Malina, the case from yesterday? Lisa prompted. Like I could forget, Logan mumbled. Challenging cases like Malina s didn t come along every day. She enjoyed a good mystery and wanted to see this one solved. Malina wasn t just a mathematical problem or a scientific experiment, however. She was a kid with her whole life ahead of her. Logan tried never to forget the people behind the cases. What s up? It s not good. Logan switched off her emotions. She could do that when she needed to, which was often in her line of work. She had to in order to be able to function. The cold hard facts, that s what she needed now. Martinez took over the case, Lisa continued. The oncologist. Damn! He thinks it s Glioblastoma Multiforme of the spinal cord. And I concur. 175 What? Logan squeezed her eyes shut against the news, trying to stay calm though her stomach was roiling. It was the worst brain tumor there was and one that was usually deadly within months. Goddammit, Lisa. It came out barely audible. I know. Christ, I didn t even know it could occur in the spinal cord. And at her age? It s very rare in the spinal cord and very rare for her age, too. It usually happens to people in their fifties and more to men than women. The family knows? Lisa nodded solemnly. Logan was glad she d not had to break the news. It would have been almost more than she could bear. Martinez and I talked to them a couple of hours ago. They took it pretty hard, as you can imagine. No, Logan really couldn t imagine. She remembered the fear and worry on Jillian s face when she d brought Maddie to the hospital. She d seen it and felt it enough, but she didn t actually know what it was like to fear for the well-being of a child. To want to make everything all right, to know the feeling of having failed to protect them. How on earth do you find the strength to take care of a dying child? How in hell s name do you learn to live with your own futility and failure? For the rest of the night, Logan just went through the motions, working on autopilot. She wasn t devoting one hundred percent to the job, she knew that. Tough. Some shifts she just didn t have it to give. Not often, but every now and again, she had to hold something back for herself. This was one of those times. She needed to distance herself, to retreat within, to just not feel anything for a few hours or even a whole day. Keeping things at bay this way kept her functioning, kept her good at her job, made her fit to come back and do it all again the next day. Jillian would probably tell her, just as Lisa always had, that she was hurting herself every time she shut down like this, when she walled herself off. No. They were wrong. She was protecting herself, plain and simple. It was what worked for her. It had 176 enabled her to function at KAF for two bloody tours and even before that. It would continue to do so. It would have to. Jillian and Mark stood on the sidelines, watching Maddie and a dozen other toddlers run around on the soccer field. It was comical, as they ran around with little regard for the ball. It was really just exercise and socialization, mostly games of tag and keep away. I can t wait until she s old enough to play hockey, Mark enthused, beaming proudly at his biological daughter. He d long ago signed away any legal rights, but Jillian had given him her word that she wanted him to always be a part of Maddie s life. Someday, when Maddie was older, she would be told he was her sperm donor. For now though, Mark was the fun, adoring uncle. I have no problem with her playing hockey, as long as you re the one sitting in cold arenas for hours, listening to the other parents bitch about the coaches not giving their kid enough ice time or enough attention. How do you know I won t be one of those parents? Jillian gave Mark a cool once-over. You do and I ll kick you where it counts. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ] |