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[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ] fiction of Henry James. After a while, you just lost the 160 charles baxter thread. Everything turned into it. At least on the page you could search through the previous paragraphs for what was being alluded to. Yes? How? What s this something ? I have an idea, Nathaniel. I have an idea of what you should do. A bit of unfinished business that we can finish, you and I. Don t say no until you ve heard it. Yes? What? If I sent you a round-trip ticket to Los Angeles, would you come out here? For a couple of days? I need to see you in person. For what? I don t get it. Would you agree to be on American Evenings? No. That s what I thought you d say. Yes, that s right. You don t have to agree to it now. I wouldn t expect you to. Think it over. The show can send you tickets anyway, whether you re on the program or not. I could say that I brought you out as a consultant. We have enough in the budget for that. We could put you up in a hotel. You could stay on Sunset Boulevard. It s a well-known hotel we could put you in. Celebrities have died there, he said with a tone of morbid cheer. The famous Fatal Hotel! Could you come out? Or is the timing inopportune? Such talk, thick with unreality, had gone out of my life. I could hear Jeremy upstairs murmuring on his cell phone. No, I couldn t hear him murmuring, not actually, but I could imagine him crooning his love and longings to a girl who would be crooning them back to him. I could see Michael trying to rig up some new use for Coca-Cola concentrated syrup, sold behind the drugstore pharmaceutical counter but not yet properly exploited by the adventuresome early- adolescent set. I could hear my wife talking to a quilter the soul thief 161 about a purchase on her own cell. Cell ! That s the word, all right. Everyone else was deeply engaged in his own variety of life. Everyone else inhabited a world. What was I going to do? Spend the rest of my days as a time-server in suburban New Jersey? And never revisit this particular corner of my past, now, in the present, out there in the Golden State? No, it isn t, I said. Okay. Okay, you ll come? Okay, Jerome, I ll come. After arranging where and when we would meet, we said good-bye. How would I manage my absence from the job? I would take two personal days. After I had hung up, I turned to see Laura standing in the doorway, the back of her hand against her forehead, rubbing some irritant away, her eyes fixed on me. part three 36 The day of my departure on a very early flight out of Newark, I kissed my wife good-bye as I left the house. She had always been a deep sleeper and barely managed to rouse herself when I leaned down to give her a peck on the fore- head. She smiled vaguely at me at the idea of me and placed her hand briefly on my cheek and then was quickly asleep again, as if she had been visited by a ghost. She mut- tered, as she always did when she was dropping back into dreams. In Jeremy s bedroom, I saw my older son lost to the world, with his face buried under a blanket, his big feet pok- ing up uncovered at the base of the bed. The room smelled of residual chlorine. After crossing the hallway, I knocked softly at Michael s door. Light streamed out from under- neath it. Come on in, he said, as if he were expecting me. Did he ever sleep? He was sitting up in bed reading. What would it be this time? The Anarchist Cookbook? No: The Iliad. You could never tell with Michael. You could never predict the next turn his road would take. On the floor were two CliffsNotes guides, one for the Bible and one for the Koran. 166 charles baxter You should be sleeping, I said quietly, a near-whisper so as not to wake the others across the hall. I know, he whispered back. You should be sleeping, too. He gave me one of his wolf-cub expressions. As a pack animal, he was always happy to see me, the older wolf. When s your flight? Couple hours from now. Dad? When you drink the beverages they give you? Don t ask for ice. Refuse the ice, okay? I read this thing about it. The ice on airplanes has, like, cesspools of bacteria in it. The ice ll make you real sick. He scratched his hair and rubbed at his eyes. And if you can spot any of those Sky Marshals, those FBI guys, let me know. I d hate that job, sit- ting on a plane all day, waiting for a terrorist to start the ter- ror show. They re not FBI. I know. I just said that. It s really TSA. See if you can spot them, though, okay? I bet you can. Bye, I said. Bye, Dad. I went over to his bed, gave him a brief half- hearted hug (he was at an age when hugs threatened virtu- ally every form of personal stability, but he raised himself up to hug me in return), and was about to go back out when he asked me, When do you get back home? Day after tomorrow, probably. Are you going to be on that radio show? No, I m not. He went back to The Iliad. You should get on it. You d blow them away. You re really good at making stuff up. I was? That was news to me. I shut the door softly behind me. I walked past the hallway table just beyond the bath- room whose light I had carelessly left on, down the stairs on whose lower landing I inspected a framed picture of a high the soul thief 167 school girl whom Jeremy had sketched in art class, out onto the street where the morning papers were being delivered, thrown from the passenger-side window of a creeping car. I greeted the dawn before getting into my car and starting the engine to drive myself to the airport. I remembered a prayer I had said years ago on behalf of Jamie, before I had blacked out. These days, I had lost the ability to pray or to bless. That gift had abandoned me. It was like throwing words down into a ditch filled with corpses. On the airplane, I was seated far back in steerage class, two rows up from a disabled lavatory smelling of caustic lye. Before boarding, I had eaten a hasty breakfast in the airport restaurant, ominously named the Afterburner Lounge. I was just now beginning to feel the consequences. The food I had ordered scrambled eggs that looked concocted from powder out of a tin had been served with ill-disguised joc- ular contempt. The eggs had disagreed with me, so that when I sat down in my assigned seat, I was almost immedi- ately afflicted. My gut gushed and gubbled. My seat was next to that of a young mother accompanied by her squalling son, who appeared to be about a year old. He clutched a teddy bear with a music box inside. The bear s head rotated, demonlike, as the music played. Several nearby seatmates gazed steadily at the teddy bear as if they planned to dismember it. Meanwhile, the screaming child, in the full flower of his own hysteria, grew as red as a turnip and as loud as a megaphone. The child s mother seemed powerless to stop the sheets of sound produced by her son. Indeed, she seemed charmed and surprised by his decibel production. Noisy, isn t he? she laughed. She tried to plug her son s 168 charles baxter mouth with a pacifier. He spat it out onto the floor as the plane banked to the left, and the pacifier tumbled out of reach. Well, they do scream at that age, I said. This was a lie: Jeremy and Michael had never screamed in this infant- sadistic manner; their cries had always been pointed and specific. The child screamed again, an infant Pavarotti bel- lowing up to the third balcony. Do you have kids? Two sons, I said. Mostly grown. The flight attendants pushed the drink carts up the aisle. I kept my attention on the ice cubes. What did you do with your boys when they were crying? she asked. You must have done something. Back then? Men always seem to know about these things. The fun things. How did you make them stop? I assumed she meant the child s outraged cries. Oh, I shrugged. The usual. I dandled them. I bounced them on my knee. I did some peekaboo. I did some bleeump-bleeump. What s that? [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ] |